Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a little too honest with the boys. I’ve always believed honesty is the best policy and I like to know where I stand, I prefer a yes or no to a maybe.

It’s the Easter “holiday”. I use the word “holiday” lightly. The boys are in sports camp and Lee and I are still working. We also managed to move my brother to Weston-super-Mare, made possible by our best friend Joe who literally stepped in and saved the day by chopping up old furniture to go to the tip (the charity route had been exhausted.) As Lee rightly said, everybody needs a Joe in their lives. I think I need to whip him up a spandex super hero outfit, I’m sure his Missus, the lovely Lisa would like that! If Lee and Joe are doing a job together I try to be out, it isn’t good for my heart! They’ve hung out of top floor windows, laid on top of a shed roof whilst it was still being built, always giggling and with a beer in hand, not really up to health and safety standard, but definitely get the job done. Always knowing that Lisa is waiting in the wings for back up and to literally clean up the mess, she’s starting her own business, Squeaky Cleaners, you couldn’t match her to a better job!

We had an engagement party for Joe and Lisa, there was a lot of confetti, obviously we have 5 year old twins and they were in charge of decorations. The glitter got everywhere! So we put on some Sandstorm ( trance music with a kicking beat) and set the boys a competition to pick up the most confetti whilst the song was playing. They picked up quite a lot, but not as much as Joe and Lisa who were desperate to have a go, giggling and barging all the way. There was cheating, definite sabotage, but I believe Lisa won. We’ll never know as Harry grabbed hold of the bag and sprinkled it back on to the floor whilst we all shouted noooooooooooooooooo in slow motion. Bless him, he didn’t get the memo and was just getting ready for the next round.

Wait, I seem to have got sidetracked, but to sum up, Joe and Lisa are great!

So, the boys, honesty, well we were in Asda, I’d just finished helping Jon move in to his new home and grabbed the boys from sports camp to get some bedding to take back to Jons. It was 4pm and I hadn’t even had lunch or a drink yet (non alcoholic or alcoholic for that matter) I was holding on by a thread and a promise. Everything was a daze, the twinkles were being energetic and not listening, I caught another shoppers eye and heard myself say,

“ Ollie put the toy back, Harry you can’t eat eyeballs, both of you please listen to me and do what I say before I literally have a break down!”

Everything stopped momentarily, they may even have been tumbleweed, I looked at the shopper disappointed with myself only to receive a warm smile and a look of knowing and encouragement. Mystery shopper, your smile really helped me that day!

Somehow I finished the jobs, got the boys fed, bathed and in bed and my Lee came home from work with a bunch of flowers, a big cuddle and waited on me hand and foot until I fell asleep and snored like a banshee.

Nearly there, so close to shutting the door on chaos and having a bit of routine and time back. I wonder how long until I feel bored or start feeling anxious I have nothing to worry about!

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx

I am like a pressure cooker or a tightly wound spring.

So much to organise and sort in the next two weeks, but I don’t want to bore you with that. Besides my friend Lou said not to worry because I’ll get it done and she’s right. Plus we watched The Ogglies this morning and they said to worry about tomorrow tomorrow, which seemed like a pretty good plan to me. They also literally eat rubbish so I’m not going to take too many life lessons from them.

So, what little funnies can I pass on?

Ollie was very excited to tell me about a connection he’d made with another child at school. It turns out that when he pulls his Dads finger, his father also trumps! It was the incredulous way he told me that made me chuckle!

More reports from the playground from Harry who seems to be organising their ninja party which won’t be until late November. However one of his friends does not have a ninja costume so he wants to get him one for his birthday which isn’t until August. I know because I text his Mum as I was told with some urgency.

I love this little insight to the boys at the tender age of 5 having the world on their shoulders and discussing these things with all seriousness together in the playground. Making plans with their friends.

I also got a text this week from a lovely Mum regarding Ollie paying her son 15p to have a go on the ball. I asked Ollie about it and turns out he’d found the money in the hallway, how entrepreneurial of him! Such a Del boy!

The sun is shining x always a good start. Time to get to the beach and inhale some of that healing sea air! Plus it’s weigh in day tomorrow and this week instead of eating my emotions I’ve done extra work outs with Joe Wickes so fingers crossed it’s paid off. Well at the very least it has kept me sane x I think x

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx

It’s been a while my friends, I’ve been in hiding, it’s all been too emotional. However, I’ve put my big girl pants on and now I’m back to share a little story with you and hopefully brighten your day.

So you know this emotional tug I’ve been having with the boys playing on their tablets? Let me remind you,

The boys want to play games on computers like their friends, they’re friends don’t seem to have turned in to zombies, but they should be outdoors being boys even if it’s pouring with rain, but they need to be well rounded in all areas, but they’ll turn in to teenagers who lock themselves in their rooms and only say “meh”, but wait, don’t you have to be able to play driving games to get in to the RAF? That’s a good job and so it goes on blah, blah, blah

I have come up with a solution which alleviates my guilt and allows me to pop it all neatly in a box to deal with should the boys ever need counselling when they’re older.

They are allowed 1 hour of Kindle Fire time on a Tuesday and Thursday as long as they have done some exercise before. This is usually in the form of a Joe Wickes 30 minute workout or recently with the sunshine, a cheeky little beach walk.

They don’t want to do it, they do it because they have to and they know what’s in it for them and calling it Ninja Training no longer adds the same excitement.

We were getting down and sweaty with Joe the other day and Harry made no bones in sharing the fact he wasn’t enjoying it and was barely squatting or burping (all gym moves to those not in the know, we’re not just being gross!)

So I turned to Harry and asked him why he wasn’t listening and copying the moves. I went on to ask him if he did the same to his teachers at school. His answer was this,

“He isn’t my Grandad!”

Me, incredulous “so if it was Grandad acting as your personal trainer you’d copy his moves?”

Silly question, I obviously didn’t get an answer but went on to think what the routine would involve, definitely making a cup of tea and stroking Tilly’s (the dog) tum.

In other news Ollie got one lone red spot on his face. At 5 I don’t think he’s hit puberty but he informed me if was a lonely chicken pox that had jumped on to his face.

Harry is now a vegetarian who eats Peperami and Ollie is a strict vegetarian who is having a beef burger from McDonalds for his fat Friday tea!

Harry, the slogan for Peperami is literally “it’s a bit of an animal!”

It’s a work in progress and I’m just along for the ride!

Hope you have a happy sunshiny day.

Ooh actually, before I go, I went out with my new shiny friend last night. I was so anxious, I haven’t been out to a pub with a friend in literally years! I even got tummy wobbles like I was going on a first date. Harry started crying just before I went out and it would have been the perfect opportunity to bail (or is it bale?), but I didn’t. I put my big girl pants on and went out and it was wonderful. We drank and we laughed and we talked about codswallop and set the World to rights and before we knew it our husbands were texting to check we were okay (we’re very lucky) and I felt like me and felt the fluffy happy feeling of finding a new old soul mate.

So I suppose my message to you ( it’s like He-Man when you get a moral of the tale at the end ) is to be brave, put your big girl or boy or person pants on and take the leap. Open the door to something new and exciting and happiness. Okay, that was too much, I’m going to be sick in my own mouth, but you know what I mean.

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx

How nice it is to put used toilet paper in the toilet again, strange the things we miss whence abroad.

Baths! I missed my bath! Couldn’t complain though because our bathroom looked like a marble spa and I could open the window and watch the sunrise over the mountains of Fuerteventura whilst in the shower. Of course I can open my bathroom window in England, but it doesn’t smell of holiday.

Ketchup, our family believe Ketchup is the condiment king, but the Spaniards seem to have an aversion to it. About twice in the week during one meal setting they put a bowl of red sauce out, it wasn’t the same though and I thought Harry might just drink it seeing as it’s part of his staple diet.

Buck’s Fizz for breakfast. Now I don’t have this in England, we’ll only for special occasions, but the table they usually have the fizz on at breakfast times has been removed. I did try to inconspicuously look for it, but I didn’t want to seem desperate.

Harry decided that he could eat some meat whilst abroad, but still classes himself as vegetarian. I think it’s on account of the fact he isn’t so attached to Spanish animals and believes they can look out for themselves.

I put on a whopping 8lbs and enjoyed every last finger licking good calorie, back to the protein shakes now though! Protein shakes and dust for the next few weeks until I’m back on track.

Thankfully Cheeky and Parker didn’t pop their clogs! They are hamsters, we don’t have staff. I had got them some raw silk bedding for warmth and loaded them up with a variety of nibbles. In fact they look quite perturbed when I woke them at 3 am when back to check in their health. They didn’t get the memo about being nocturnal.

Is it bad that that I was looking for our next holiday before we’d even left Spain? Well, you’ve got to have a dream and ours is sunshine and quality family time.

I notice we brought some sunshine back with us, you’re welcome. For everyone else you’re getting a novelty fridge magnet.

My one regret, I didn’t pester anyone to take a photo of the four of us together, oh well, now we’ll have to go back!

We had a lovely time, but it’s good to be home.

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes.

Holiday, defined in the Oxford dictionary as “a period of time spent travelling or resting away from home”.

Well we have definitely travelled away from home, but I’m not sure if we’ve rested.

I chuckled to myself at the pool earlier when I heard a Mum say the following as a sentence with barely a breathe in between whilst chasing her child with suntan lotion in her hand,

“ Would you like a Pringle? Have you got suntan lotion on? Would you like an ice cream? Do you need a drink? Are you warm enough? Let’s put your hat on, do you need a wee, oh you need a poo, right let’s find the loo!”

It was pretty manic and I laughed because I’d done just the same on the first day. Another Mum actually turned to me and said the boys would probably be fine and I assured her that by day 7 I’d be chilled out on the side with a Pina Colada in hand, but day one let my forehead vein throb.

You can tell the British children by the pool. They’re the ones in full bodysuits (usually depicting a superhero), sun hat with neck guard, sunglasses, water shoes, flotation vest, pasty white made even more iridescent with lashings of sun tan lotion! Whilst the Spanish boy of around 3 is bombing in the pool in nothing but his pants. We’re day 5 and the boys are down to just their shorts, but they still leave an oils slick behind them with the amount of factor 50 we spray on them.

Good job they had the barrier of cream earlier as Harry discovered a poo in the pool. We let the lifeguard know and they were pretty quick to get everyone out and cordon the pool off. I was so grateful it wasn’t one of my children who had pooped the offending article (this time, Center Parcs 2019), but I wasn’t so pleased that Harry decided to police the affair and very loudly let everyone know who he believed was the culprit whilst pointing. The Dad of the child had actually laughed at me earlier and probably thought I was just getting my own back. I was towing Harry around on an inflatable whale, as one does, only getting wet below the knee, but unfortunately mistimed the passing of the bottom of one of the flumes resulting in a full body splash which took my breath away as the water is COLD. Why do you think Harry only goes in the pool aboard a whale? Street smarts!

I was probably getting my just deserts for laughing at Ollie the other day. I mean full on laughing in his face until I nearly wet myself. We were in the chalet and I was trying to usher Ollie out on to the patio to put his lotion on so the floor wouldn’t get slippery, he turned around to place his hands on the door like he was being patted down, only the door was open and he landed on his hands with his bum in the air like he was doing a beginners plank. Maybe you had to be there, but I found it hilarious.

What more to tell you? The food is delicious! The sun is shining!

Oh yes, Kids Club. The boys didn’t even manage 1 full session, there’s me ticking willy nilly the morning and afternoon session for every day! Luckily we brought their Kindles so have still managed an hour a day of “us time”.

We’ve been getting the boys to learn a new Spanish phrase a day. Ollie delighted the ladies in the supermarket last night by saying “Hola chica guapa!” pronounced WHOPPA, (Hey pretty lady). He actually asked to have a shower this evening and wash his hair and is getting a squirt of Lee’s aftershave before we go out tonight in the hopes of bumping into Lacey, a very pretty girl he has been playing with today. So my hopes of having someone to go shopping with when he’s older seem to have been dashed, but as long as the boys are happy, healthy and kind that is all I wish for.

My tummy has started rumbling! Must be time to eat again, it’s been at least an hour. We don’t talk about diets on holiday!! Which reminds me, the first night we settled down for a game of Snap in the main bar (with the twins, obvs) and the children opposite started singing “We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no” WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME A BREAK?

Love & hugs, kisses & wishes xxx

It’s been a funny old week. Change funny to stressful. We’re going on holiday Saturday. I know you know that already, anyone who knows me does, even those who don’t like the lady at Tesco and the Sky engineer! It blurts out of me at every opportunity.

I’m just so excited! It’s the light at the end of the tunnel and the quality time our family desperately needs! Did I mention the 4 hours childcare a day?? Lee and I will get to not just be Mum and Dad.

So it’s half term. We had so many plans. Like so many plans! Even as many as three play dates a day, we were planning to super socialise. We were going large without even paying 40p for the privilege.

We had the pesky pandemic to deal with and then the Pox came, Chicken Pox to be precise. I’m all for the boys strengthening their immune systems, but not just before holibobs. I don’t want to be looking at their spotty little faces over breakfast whilst I’m slurping on my first Bucksfizz of the day.

So I pretty much put the boys on house arrest apart from treating them to a trip to the tip! Even Grandad got cancelled!

Ooh I forgot to say that according to Harry and Ollie you get chicken pox when you get bitten by a chicken. In fairness their friend George did get bitten by a swan, but that was ages ago and surely it would have been called Swan Pox?

I’m on high alert with every scratch, cough and hiccup at the moment. I think the boys are playing me up! Harry actually itched his back on the wall like a bear earlier. Also when I lent in to give him a good night kiss he said he thought he was going to throw up in my face. Nice. He’s a charmer.

I did also treat them to a car ride today. It was longer than intended because I ended up driving through some fields instead of Bridgwater! Turns out Sunnybank is a place as well as a road, oopsie daisy. Plus I was driving on fumes. What a loony. As in I’d forgot to put fuel in my car, not that I was sucking up aerosols, don’t want any rumours starting! We dropped a little get well pressie off, pretty much threw it through the door, nothing like being made to feel like a leprechaun! I actually typed leper, but spell check changed it to leprechaun and I thought it was funny so left it in there.

Anyways, then on to Taunton to drop some keys in to the estate agent for my brother. I’m telling you, the Twinkles are having an awesome half term!! Actually, they’re such happy little chaps. We were singing along to toons in the car and Ollie stopped playing on his Kindle for a while to point out cloud shapes, there were a fair few dragons! Maybe he was sucking on aerosols in the back!!

We did have a funny conversation, it went something like this,

Ollie, out of the blue “ actually I think I would like to go to heaven”

Me “ when did you think you wouldn’t like to go to heaven?”

Ollie “earlier because I was feeling a bit shy”

Me “ and what changed your mind?”

Ollie “ there was a poster with a girl with a face split in two and black eyes”

No words!

I think it was a poster on the side of a church we’d just driven past and I actually think it was a happy poster, but Ollie didn’t describe it so well.

Ollie then started to play his game again and singing along to Bad Habits. Quick save!

Once on the motorway he piped up again,

“ Mum, do all these people live in heaven?”

Me “urm, no”

Ollie “ does Grandad live in heaven?”

Me, realisation dawning “ ahh, no, Grandad lives in Taunton and that’s the place we have just been. Heaven is in the sky”

Well of course I instantly regretted saying that!!

Only 2 more days to keep the lergy from our door. Ollie has asked for a pyjama day tomorrow, DONE! We’re starting by watching this Encanto. Well if they’re going to keep singing it I might as well learn the words!!

Love & hugs, kisses & wishes xxx

I was so close to screaming, not even exaggerating! I could feel it welling up inside of me yearning to come out out in one tremendous banshee wail! But I didn’t, I abstained. I did however tell the boys who thought about it for a few seconds and then either decided to ignore me or pretend not to hear.

It was a simple task. All we needed to do was leave the house and go to soft play and it was for THEM! Could I light a rocket under their tiny bottoms? You’d have more chance getting a quick response from Land Registry! (Those in the know, know!)

Why is it so hard? I remember those heady days of deciding I needed to pop out on a fanciful whim and just picking my keys up and walking out the front door, it’s strange the things you take for granted!

I was up bright and early as always. I’d got the boys changed (Harry doesn’t like to come downstairs in his pyjamas, not even on Christmas Day?!). It was like trying to dress an eel, especially Ollie who had decided he wanted to wear his Ninja costume. I suggested to him, as it was our first time of going, that we would see the lie of the land and maybe next time dress up.

Harry was particularly grumpy, likes to be up, but not a morning person, I wonder if he’s just punishing me for something I’m unaware of. He tends to lighten up once I’ve fed him so Twinkle breakfast is usually the first order of the day.

I found something hypnotising on tv for them to watch, think it was Bitz and Bobs (love the catchy theme tune, often find myself humming it) made sure they had their breakfast tray in front of them containing absolutely nothing of choking size and whizzed upstairs for a shower and to get changed, literally getting dressed in the dark and covering the day before makeup with a fresh layer, sexy!

Thing is the lounge is under our bedroom and with Ollies glue ear he only has one volume at the moment which is LOUD! He also comes up to you like a little old man cupping his ear when he actually wants to hear what you’re saying. Im tempted to buy him an ear horn for the novelty factor.

I asked of them one thing and one thing only, to let Daddy sleep! He had worked the Saturday and it was his only chance of a lie in and believe me he’d earned it.

Have you ever tried to shout at a child to keep the noise down whilst trying to keep the noise down yourself? It comes out of gritted teeth and many flaying arm gestures! Kudos to the boys that they took it seriously and didn’t just laugh straight in my face.

Breakfast done and I’d even had the foresight to stuff a tea towel in the front of Harry’s shirt. He currently allows me to do it as he has seen Grandad do it so it’s still cool! Grandad puts his own on though.

I tell them to both put their socks and shoes on whilst frantically running around grabbing the things we need, birthday presents, tissues, calpol, where’s my socks??

All the time darting from room to room watching the minutes tick away until we are officially late and Ollie has some Lego figure man in his hand whilst singing and twirling and generally just being everywhere I need to be and under my feet until I feel like Gulliver in Gulliver’s Travels surrounded by mini people working against me.

Finally everyone is dressed and ready to go out the door.

No they’re not, Harry needs a wee! Ollie decides to shout at him about something so gets told off for being noisy.

Now we’re ready to leave. No we’re not, Ollie needs a wee!!! So why didn’t he have one a minute ago when Harry went? Oh, he didn’t need one then, BUT IT WAS THREE SECONDS AGO!!

Right, out the door, dogs wrestled back in to the house, at the car, in the rain, where’s my bloody car keys???

Ollie “ Mummy you shouldn’t say bloody!”

Me “ I didn’t think I’d said it out loud but you’re right dear!”

Finally at soft play, my friend has already got us a seat right at the front opposite what is effectively a cage filled with fun stuff. I love it, they’re safe and contained. They love it, they can go wild.

Coffee in hand, turn to have an adult conversation with the oasis of serenity that is Kat. Coffee in hand I realise I am rocking and not taking in anything she is saying. I literally had to turn to her and say, please just give me a few minutes to wind down and adjust and I’ll be right with you.

I felt the stress ebb away, Ollie then came over to give me a thank you cuddle and Harry threw me a smiling thumbs up from the climbing frame and just like that we were back again. My boys, my miracles, they are so worth it all.

Gosh, I’d best get them up and ready for school! You know the drill!!

Love & hugs, kisses & wishes xxx

I’m aware I haven’t been in touch for a while, to be honest it’s all been a bit of a hard slog, being solar powered, these grey days are starting to take their toll.

So I had a word with myself and the husband and booked a holiday. It’s only a few weeks away so I thought it might kick start my exercise and diet plan, which also encourages a happy mood. I’m on these vanilla protein shakes for breakfast and lunch which I add powered peanuts and a banana to. They really are quite delicious, but not the liquid lunches I’m accustomed to.

We’re going back to Origo Mare in Fuerteventura. It’s clean, it’s warm and sunny, in fact today it’s due to be a balmy 23*. It’s a self contained holiday village built around a water park, like a little oasis. Actually when I went there with Kayleigh it was so empty it looked like one of those purpose built locations for practicing bombing, but let’s not talk about that! It’s owned by a French company so the food is magnifique and there’s plenty of it.

The Twinkles were babies when we last went so don’t remember it at all. I was chatting about it with Harry and this was his recap,

“ so, we’re going on holiday? And we can go swimming every day and to a mini disco every night? And we can have cake for breakfast and ice cream whenever we want? I don’t believe it Mummy. I don’t believe it’s real. Something like that would just make me far too happy and I might go bonkers!”

Not much you can say to that really, but a big fat hug did the trick!

Ollie keeps just telling me he doesn’t like airplanes or flying. At what age can you start taking Temazepam not to be confused with marzipan?!

Actually we were watching Aladin and some naughty chap got pushed down a well by some other really naughty chap and Ollie turned and asked me if they’d pushed him down the well so he could turn in to wishes. Bless him, I did explain it doesn’t quite work like that, otherwise who knows what odds and sods Ollie would be throwing down a well should we happen across one?

We’ve had a very lazy, indoor weekend on account of all the bogies. All three boys have the lergy and I’m drowning in tissues and snot.

We did break out for a few hours yesterday to go to a Ninja Party. It was okay, their outfits included masks and we all did a lateral flow test before. What a brilliant idea though! Even the party bags and cakes were a class act and pizzas from Dominoes, this was taking parenting to a higher level and has set the bar. The boys have already said they want a ninja party for their birthday in November, notes taken, job done and they shouldn’t have grown out of their outfits by then the lanky beans!

Right, I suppose I’d best go wake them up. A very happy Monday to you and a happy birthday to Auntie Angelina Ballerina. Actually she isn’t a ballerina, but that girl can defy gravity doing aerial acrobats on a piece of silk, I get exhausted trying to put a ribbon in my hair!

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx

My husband is a genius, fact! And not because I am sat in the bubble bath he ran me or because he has taken all four children to the skate park to give me some peace.

I was having a little moan about feeling desperately tired due to not being able to sleep well sardined between the Twinkles on a small double futon. He looked at me like I was a crazy woman (this is a regular occurrence) and asked why I hadn’t slept in one of the boys beds.

He gave me the whole tactical manoeuvre from getting them to bring their own duvet over to tucking and rolling out of bed a la Ross from Friends. The thought had never crossed my mind! Wish we’d had this conversation a few years ago! Note to self, must moan more.

I already revel in the sheer brilliance that is Lee and I having our own separate single duvets on a Super King Size bed. An idea I stole from a hotel in Hong Kong.

So last night, Lee and I had settled down to watch Locke and Key, him with sweets galore, me with diet fizzy jelly and squirty cream. Still trying to stick to the diet, not sure if Lee would back me up as he gets to see me cutting out the middle man and squirting the cream straight into my mouth. You may think that cream isn’t diet food, but it is when it mainly contains air!

Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes, lovely evening and in walks Harry who is suffering with a case of the itchy bum. So I grabbed my duvet and went upstairs with him to the guest bed in their room and Harry invited about hundred cuddly toys. In fairness I had 3 of my own. Can’t help it, I’m a sucker for a cuddly toy. At nearly 46, I don’t see that changing much!

We snuggled down and had some really lovely chats and then he woke me up to tell me I was snoring and did a great impression. I finally got us both to sleep when the other blinking one had a coughing attack that sounded like he was choking. So over he comes with his duvet.

A-Ha I think to myself and not as in the band who were great live by the way, saw them a few years ago in Bristol or was it Yeovil?

Anyway!

I snuggled them both up and went and got in Harry’s bed.

THIS IS AWESOME I thought to myself and drifted happily off. Only to be woken up by Ollie whining

“ Mum I wanted to sleep with you”

He looked like he was going to go full scale tantrum so he came over with me in Harry’s bed and shared my duvet whilst Harry starfished on the double with two duvets!

Let’s stick a pin in it and call it a work in progress!

The others aren’t back so I’m off for a game of Candycrush, because I can!

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes for a wonderful Sunday.

Ooh I had BBC radio 2 on earlier, Steve Wrights Sunday Love Songs and I was ironing the boys work / school shirts and thought to myself how nice and Sunday it felt. Like my Mum. I made the mistake of telling Lee who answered that he would be sure to make time for me every Sunday so I could iron his work shirts and that would be his sacrifice, just for me.

Once again I bid you adieu, for realsies this time xxx

Gosh, I’m not sure where to start, I’m all discombobulated ( good word, I know, one of my favourites!).

However my friend Mary (well, she’s more of a life guru really), once said to me to just start and gave me this analogy which I have drawn from so many times,

“ when you’ve had a house party and you come down in the morning to dirty bottles, glasses, full ashtrays and the place looks like a general bombsite and you don’t know where to start cleaning as there’s so much to do, just start. Just pick up the nearest bottle to you and the next and the next and before you know it, you will get in to a rhythm and soon be finished.”

This can be used on literally any problem and doesn’t have to be saved for cleaning.

It was Mary who made me go to the doctors because she believed I was suffering with depression. If you met me, I was the brightest, breeziest and pretty much loudest person there was, but it wasn’t real. It was a safety mechanism.

Not going to lie, I went to shut her up. I’d dealt with so many things, overcome so many obstacles that there was no way that I would be / could be depressed. That suggested I was weak and that I did not like one bit!

The doctor gave me a quiz to do (test sounds so much more scary) and I got 22 out of 24, it was pretty much the best I’d ever done on a test! Oops quiz. Only the higher the score the higher the level of depression and anxiety.

I opted for counselling first. There was obviously a problem in my little head that needed fixing and I like fixing things, people in particular.

Audrey was her name and she had a little pink room in the surgery filled with cushions. I once told her it was like being back in the womb and she replied that was intentional.

You’re prescribed 12 sessions, I ended up seeing her on and off for 2 years. Turns out it was pretty scrambled up there, but she helped me rebuild the foundations and as a result, healthier, stronger, real relationships with friends and family.

There was one point when I needed the extra help of anti depressants and they were beneficial for the 6 months I took them to numb everything, slow it all down a bit and give me some respite and sleep.

Actually allowing myself to be vulnerable and accept the help I needed took the greatest strength of anything I’d achieved previously. It also helped me realise an emotional tool belt and survival kit. I learned my triggers and how to overcome them or simply side step them. I learned to get rid of everything toxic in my life, it’s just too short to waste.

I’m telling you all this because a) it’s blue Monday tomorrow which has nothing to do with Smurfs and b) I’ve had a wobble recently, but was able to set myself back on track.

Long story short the dog scratched my eye. The alarm went off, she jumped on the bed, caught me unawares (unawares not under-wears, I was in my jimjams) result diagonal corneal abrasion from one side to t’other, she wasn’t messing around. It was painful, resulted in migraines and very blurred vision. I was scared, I’m pretty partial to being able to see so this lead to a severe lack of sleep, another trigger (most common for most people.)

Ollie was being very noisy the other morning, non stop chattering and making clicking noises which I found incredibly annoying. It made me feel very angry and I wanted to yell at him to shut up. This made me feel very guilty and hate myself, how could I feel rage at my own child for singing??!! I wanted to take myself away from my family for being the toxic cloud that might pollute them. I wanted to keep them safe, from me.

I could have stayed trapped in my head, no one can be crueler to us than we are to ourselves, instead the survival kit came out.

Tool 1 – catch up on sleep

Tool 2 – stick to dry January, the answer isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Prosecco no matter how lovely the numbness is, self medicating is not the answer.

Tool 3 – talk to your friends, don’t shut them out, you don’t have to talk about the problem, you don’t even have to acknowledge there is one, but company helps and laughter is literally the best medicine.

Tool 4 – exercise, get the endorphins going. The boys and I did a Joe Wickes workout this morning and boy did it put a smile back on my face.

Tool 5 – I have not allowed myself to eat my emotions as tasty as they maybe. It’s weigh in tomorrow and what better way to beat Blue Monday than to have a good loss on the scales? Well it works for me anyway, but I have more to lose than others and a holiday to work towards, ooh that leads me on to

Tool 6 – plan something to look forward to.

Plan 7 – know your limits. I was due to see my beautiful friend Dancing Lou this morning and have a play date with our children. I just couldn’t do it. When Harry asked for a pyjama day I was relieved. Ollie asked for a fire and we snuggled up together and watched a movie and made Lee catch up on some sleep. We then did a workout together and I think I am now back in time to brace for tomorrow.

I think a family walk on the beach and a roast should get my family ready too. Togetherness. In the words of Jack Johnson, things are always better when we’re together.

So there we have it people. I hope I haven’t bored you and I hope that this might just help someone. My tool kit took 20 years to make and I’m still adding to it now. My great Auntie Joan is an inspiration to me. In her 80s and always makes the effort to look fabulous, to go to Tai Chi with her friends and walk her dog to the woods where she enjoys the bluebells when they’re out. She is the one who keeps me writing my blog because it’s therapy for me and tool 8.

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx