Blue Monday xxx

Gosh, I’m not sure where to start, I’m all discombobulated ( good word, I know, one of my favourites!).

However my friend Mary (well, she’s more of a life guru really), once said to me to just start and gave me this analogy which I have drawn from so many times,

“ when you’ve had a house party and you come down in the morning to dirty bottles, glasses, full ashtrays and the place looks like a general bombsite and you don’t know where to start cleaning as there’s so much to do, just start. Just pick up the nearest bottle to you and the next and the next and before you know it, you will get in to a rhythm and soon be finished.”

This can be used on literally any problem and doesn’t have to be saved for cleaning.

It was Mary who made me go to the doctors because she believed I was suffering with depression. If you met me, I was the brightest, breeziest and pretty much loudest person there was, but it wasn’t real. It was a safety mechanism.

Not going to lie, I went to shut her up. I’d dealt with so many things, overcome so many obstacles that there was no way that I would be / could be depressed. That suggested I was weak and that I did not like one bit!

The doctor gave me a quiz to do (test sounds so much more scary) and I got 22 out of 24, it was pretty much the best I’d ever done on a test! Oops quiz. Only the higher the score the higher the level of depression and anxiety.

I opted for counselling first. There was obviously a problem in my little head that needed fixing and I like fixing things, people in particular.

Audrey was her name and she had a little pink room in the surgery filled with cushions. I once told her it was like being back in the womb and she replied that was intentional.

You’re prescribed 12 sessions, I ended up seeing her on and off for 2 years. Turns out it was pretty scrambled up there, but she helped me rebuild the foundations and as a result, healthier, stronger, real relationships with friends and family.

There was one point when I needed the extra help of anti depressants and they were beneficial for the 6 months I took them to numb everything, slow it all down a bit and give me some respite and sleep.

Actually allowing myself to be vulnerable and accept the help I needed took the greatest strength of anything I’d achieved previously. It also helped me realise an emotional tool belt and survival kit. I learned my triggers and how to overcome them or simply side step them. I learned to get rid of everything toxic in my life, it’s just too short to waste.

I’m telling you all this because a) it’s blue Monday tomorrow which has nothing to do with Smurfs and b) I’ve had a wobble recently, but was able to set myself back on track.

Long story short the dog scratched my eye. The alarm went off, she jumped on the bed, caught me unawares (unawares not under-wears, I was in my jimjams) result diagonal corneal abrasion from one side to t’other, she wasn’t messing around. It was painful, resulted in migraines and very blurred vision. I was scared, I’m pretty partial to being able to see so this lead to a severe lack of sleep, another trigger (most common for most people.)

Ollie was being very noisy the other morning, non stop chattering and making clicking noises which I found incredibly annoying. It made me feel very angry and I wanted to yell at him to shut up. This made me feel very guilty and hate myself, how could I feel rage at my own child for singing??!! I wanted to take myself away from my family for being the toxic cloud that might pollute them. I wanted to keep them safe, from me.

I could have stayed trapped in my head, no one can be crueler to us than we are to ourselves, instead the survival kit came out.

Tool 1 – catch up on sleep

Tool 2 – stick to dry January, the answer isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Prosecco no matter how lovely the numbness is, self medicating is not the answer.

Tool 3 – talk to your friends, don’t shut them out, you don’t have to talk about the problem, you don’t even have to acknowledge there is one, but company helps and laughter is literally the best medicine.

Tool 4 – exercise, get the endorphins going. The boys and I did a Joe Wickes workout this morning and boy did it put a smile back on my face.

Tool 5 – I have not allowed myself to eat my emotions as tasty as they maybe. It’s weigh in tomorrow and what better way to beat Blue Monday than to have a good loss on the scales? Well it works for me anyway, but I have more to lose than others and a holiday to work towards, ooh that leads me on to

Tool 6 – plan something to look forward to.

Plan 7 – know your limits. I was due to see my beautiful friend Dancing Lou this morning and have a play date with our children. I just couldn’t do it. When Harry asked for a pyjama day I was relieved. Ollie asked for a fire and we snuggled up together and watched a movie and made Lee catch up on some sleep. We then did a workout together and I think I am now back in time to brace for tomorrow.

I think a family walk on the beach and a roast should get my family ready too. Togetherness. In the words of Jack Johnson, things are always better when we’re together.

So there we have it people. I hope I haven’t bored you and I hope that this might just help someone. My tool kit took 20 years to make and I’m still adding to it now. My great Auntie Joan is an inspiration to me. In her 80s and always makes the effort to look fabulous, to go to Tai Chi with her friends and walk her dog to the woods where she enjoys the bluebells when they’re out. She is the one who keeps me writing my blog because it’s therapy for me and tool 8.

Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx