I should warn you from the get go that this is not one of my jaunty little tales about the Twinkles. It’s an honest, warts and all, account about health. So it will not be funny or pretty, but it will be open and honest. This is not a cry for attention or sympathy, but to raise awareness and empathy for those who may be going through the same thing or should you cross the path of someone who is.
The crux of the matter is that I have arthritis in my knees. Stupidly it’s something I am embarrassed to admit as it’s the only thing in my life that makes me feel old. Having had a 6 week stint in hospital in my 20s and contracting MSRA, I’m thankful I still have working legs so don’t like to moan and there are always people worse off than you.
So getting down to the nitty gritty, I was sent to see a consultant who gave me a few different options, but agreed it was time to get me on the big guns pain medication as it was painful even to drive Bluebell, my automatic car!
Naproxen is so strong you have to take another tablet beforehand to try and protect your stomach lining.
I had barely been on it a week when I turned to Lee one evening and told him I didn’t want to be a mum, I’d never wanted to be a Mum and it’s the most thankless chore there ever was and I was quite angry about it.
We decided then and there I should stop taking the tablets as being a Mum and having my own family had been my life long ambition.
Weeks went by and the pain got worse so back to the doctors I went. I explained the Naproxen had messed with my head, but the doctor found that very odd and said she’d never come across anything like that before and she’d been a doctor for a long time. I was advised to start taking them again and really let them get in to my system which I did with Lee’s support.
Luckily my feelings about being a mum didn’t change although I did start thinking that Harry and Ollie were going to die every five minutes.
After nearly two solid weeks of diarrhoea I decided to go back to the doctor. They were busy so I went to see our pharmacist at Milton Pharmacy who is a legend. She took me in to the side room so I could talk to her privately. I said I thought it might be my tablets as certain brands seem to effect me more. My stomach felt like it had acid in it, I could constantly taste it and lost every meal or snack within an hour of eating it. How unfair is this though? Diarrhoea for 2 weeks and I lost a measly 1lb! Where’s the silver lining? The pharmacist talked me through how I should be taking the tablets and I’d got it all wrong. Within a few days the diarrhoea subsided.
Fatigue, like depression can never be fully comprehended by someone who hasn’t suffered it themself. It’s not a case of just being tired and getting over it with some sleep or a Power Nap. It does not go away. It’s a fuzzy head, feeling like you’re trying to walk through treacle, not being able to think straight or even remember the simplest of things, virtually crying at the thought of having to move or make plans or even try and think what to have for tea. When you have two young children and a job you don’t have a choice but to get on with it. I was popping caffeine pills like they were Smarties. My coffee was strength 6 and I drank the equivalent of 12 espressos with breakfast to get me up and going. I remember being at the bottom of the stairs in the car park and realising I’d left my travel mug on top of my car, I did cry a bit whilst weighing up the physical pain of walking back up the steps against the lack of caffeine and remembered I had a stash of coffee in my pedestal which would have to suffice. Adding to the tiredness was that I was waking every night feeling anxious and panicking. I don’t know if I was having nightmares but it was every night without fail.
We’ve just got back from our family holiday. Overall it was wonderful, my boys made it that way, all three of them. However one day I was sat by the pool on a sun lounger, sangria in hand, 22degrees not a cloud in the sky, I could hear Harry and Ollie laughing in the pool and I honestly thought to myself, is this it? Is this all life has to offer and I felt bored!
WHAT????
That was the reality check. That was when from somewhere deep inside a little voice said that’s just not rational, you shouldn’t be feeling like that. At this point the sodium in the Naproxen had made my feet swell up so much I could only fit in to Lee’s Havianas, his feet are three sizes bigger than mine and even then they were snug.
ENOUGH the voice said growing stronger!
Lee’s not really one to talk about feelings, but I talked it through with him and he suggested CBD oil to help with managing the pain.
Lee and the boys are very active and we’d been doing a minimum of 10,000 steps a day plus Harry and I love the water so I’d been in the pool with him most days. All the exercise had definitely loosened up my knees and was living proof it was the way to move forward, literally.
It was the last day of the holiday but I decided then and there to stop taking the painkillers.
It’s coming up for a week and I have made myself keep active. Lee jokes he’s supporting me when he gets me to go to the kitchen for snacks. I have got on my exercise bike every day for 20 minutes without fail even in the clothes I have worn to work to make sure it gets done. I researched CBD oil online and decided to go with one from Holland and Barratt where the lovely lady talked me through how she takes hers for migraines. I’m sleeping properly (well as properly as you can with 6 year old twins)so have stopped drinking coffee and down to one caffeine tablet a morning.
I’ve made a pledge to myself to lose 3 stone and I’m rather looking forward to getting on the scales tomorrow morning. My mental health seems to be completely back on track and I’m no longer feeling anxious and back to appreciating every last drop of every day. Once again there is hope.
Well, this has been therapeutic to write, so I hope it goes on to help a few who may read it.
Love and hugs, kisses and wishes xxx
A cheeky little Twinkle update xxx 